Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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