here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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