You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
