Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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