sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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