Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
this will be a night to untag.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
