I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
