you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
