I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
