a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
