im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Who died my cat blue again?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
