you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
