nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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