well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
