You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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