My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
NoShamevember. You game?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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