Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
