the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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