I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
