dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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