I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
