I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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