I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
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