Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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