I want to make a zoo with you.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
