I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
