At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
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We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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