He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
