i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
