You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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