thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
