he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
