It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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