I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
