ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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