Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
