I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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