just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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