i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
