he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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