when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
