found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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