Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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