i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
