I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Randomize
