how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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