Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
