Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
