the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
