Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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