she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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