He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
