that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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