So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
