My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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