Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
