im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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